You Killed Kenny!

Ok, what the hell has happened to Kenny Rogers? Have you seen him lately? This...is....horrifying. I guess this is a prime example of why you shouldn't get plastic surgery. There's a chance you can come out of it looking, not better, just like a completely different person.

Maybe if you're Kenny Rogers the thought of looking like a completely different person may seem appealing. Call me a traditionalist, but I like my Kenny the old way, rugged and crotchety.

Did he think he could get away with it? Did he think we wouldn't notice? Did he think that we wouldn't want to find the person that did this to him and MAKE HIM PAY????? And what of the Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers? Did he even think of their feelings? We were going to send them a pic of Bobo's dad. Now I don't know. Does he even qualify anymore? Is nothing sacred????

We had the good fortune of seeing Kenny pre-op at the Taste of Chicago a few years ago. I like seeing bands at the Taste, especially ones that aren't that crowded. If you sneak in through the northwest entrance, there's a beer stand with no line and plenty of spots to chill on the lawn and soak up the music. I believe that was the first year I brought my Festeenis. If you're not familiar with that, let me explain.

As everyone must know, it is really raunchy to use the port-o-lets at a fest. Guys have it easier than us gals. We are required to hover over the disgusting toilet seat, which can be really challenging. There's usually a pole in there, which would be great to hold onto if you're into e-c0li. I designed a device that allowes women to stand while peeing, just like the boys. It's basically a cone-shaped water cooler cup with a straw protruding from the tip. It works really well. You have to be a little careful, as the cone fills up faster than the straw can drain. I'm still working out the kinks...the Festeenis II will be new and improved. But back to the Kenny show.

It was a really good show, if you're into that sort of thing. He really is kind of a dick. During his performance of "Lucille" he kept stopping and saying, "For GOD SAKES STOP SWAYING!" I remember seeing him on David Letterman years ago; Dave had him do a blind taste test of chicken from his "Kenny Rogers Roasters" restaurant & cafeteria chicken. When it was revealed that he picked the cafeteria chicken to be better tasting, he kinda had a fit. He's so cantankerous, I just love it.

We can only hope that this new look doesn't change his salty attitude. Might I suggest a few tweaks to an old classic I like to rock at Karaoke at the Chip Inn...

"On a warm summer's evenin' on a train bound for nowhere, I met up with a gambler;
We were both too tired to sleep. So we took turned a starin'
Cuz I can't close my eyes now
Boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.
He said, "Son I've made a life, out of readin' people's faces,
And knowin' what their cards are by the way they held their eyes
So if you don't mind me sayin' I can see you're full of botulism
For a shot of your botox, I'll give you some advice."