The future of Hollywood

Lord help us. Someone had a little fun with photoshop. And they say I've got too much time on my hands.

Job opening

I'm going to need one of you, my loyal friends, to quit your job and be our full time nanny.

Benefits include:

• hanging out with the cutest baby in all the land.
• playing with lots of fun toys that sing "Row, row, row your boat" and other cool tunes.
• pushing a stroller to the park in my neighborhood that smells like chocolate.
• free wifi access!
• watching Maury on a very large television with surround sound. (it really is the only way to watch Maury, in my opinion)
• occasional licks on the head from our loyal cat, the one and only Black Tarry Stool!
• a great view of the Urban Wildlife Sanctuary in the vacant lot next door (by "Wildlife", I mean rats & dog poo)
• all-u-can-eat Doritos
• some sort of monetary compensation, or maybe we can barter with some spices

I'm afraid we won't be able to offer you medical insurance. We have WebMd, though, and I'm sure we can get you any prescription drugs you might need from the dude that drives the ice cream truck.

All applicants must pass our rigorous interview ("Are you alive", "are you sober?") We're also going to need you to pee in a cup. We're not asking for a drug test; it's for our collection.

Time is of the essence, as school starts in a month and they are expecting me to be there...without the baby. I wish someone had told me that I had to sign up for daycare the day I conceived. I'm pretty sure we're not going to get from #59 on the waiting list to #1 in a month.

This is such a drag.

Stupid Florida

My sister moved to stupid Florida yesterday. This makes me very sad. She's not the see-at-family-functions only type of sister. She's the maid-of-honor-godmother-to-my-daughter-good-friend type. Boo.

I tried convincing her that Florida is stupid. "There's an entire category on Fark.com that's called Florida, due to all the idiots that live there," I told her. "Hurricanes," I said. "Jeb Bush!! Jeb Bush! You don't want him as your governor, do you?" All to no avail. She packed up her gigantic gas-guzzler & headed out anyhow.

She's got herself a teaching job there. It's really hard to get a job up here in the suburbs where they have such luxury items as textbooks & parents. I told her there's always a contstant abundance of job openings at my school, especially 2 weeks after school begins when the faint-of-heart storm off the job. It happens.

She didn't want to work at my school. Don't know why.

Well, I wish her luck, begrudgingly. We're just going to miss her a lot. Maybe her apartment building will be infested with snakes, alligators & old people and she'll want to come home right away.

Boo, sad, missing sister.

Back from Vay-Cay

Just returned from our fabulous vacation to Lake of the Ozarks, MO. Stopped in St. Louis for the night on the way down to cut the drive in half. We took E. to the arch. She found it to be rather dull, as I suspect most people do.

Once we got to Camdenton, however, things started looking up. I think it's safe to say that much beer was had by all. At last count, I believe we went through 15 cases of beer. Some quick math (okay I used the calculator on the damn computer) shows me that each person consumed 51.4 cans each. Eeeek. It was cause of concern for my mother, who was convinced we were all alcoholics by the end of the week. (Just for the record, she consumed exactly 1 Mike's Hard Berry Beverage while we were there, so I guess she's got room to talk).

The pic to the right is a pretty good summation of what our week was all about...Kroushls, Lake, Beer. It was freakishly hot, so it was imperative to cool off by floating on a foam noodle for hours on end.

Devin was a little disturbed by the idea of jumping into the lake. He claimed the minnows congregating near the shallow end were giving him menacing looks. Eventually he got over his phobia & jumped off the dock like a big boy.

I had a great time, but feel the need to go on a diet. I don't even want to jump on the scale. I can't even fit into my underwear right now, and that's not a good sign. You see, my family is very big on snacks. I don't usually buy junk food, because then I would eat it all (funny how that works). But when it's around- get outta my way. You best not stand between me & my Dingdongs.

It was great to hang out with my parents & siblings. Luckily Devin gets along with them very well. I think that's because they're all equally nuts. There was some confusion for a while. According to my father, there are 3 stages of garbage...Stage 1, 2 and 3. I'm pretty sure that nobody except my Dad knows exactly what constitutes the different stages. Let's say you wanted to throw out a piece of trash. Should you put it in the garbage can, next to the garbage can, or in the empty beer case? It's just best to ask before disposing of any trash. Oh, and don't go leavin' no half-full beer cans around either!

"Who's can is this? Is anybody drinking this? Throwaway society!"

Good quality family time, there's nothing like it.

Today's hippie slogan:

Like just, relax, ya know? Chill out and catch the vibe of life. Ride the wave of peace through the ocean of love. Take a wind bath.


Okay. We're leavin' out for some much needed R&R. Be gone for a while. Don't think about havin' any keggers here, though, we've got fish-sitters!

Talk at ya soon,
L